The Oddity Drawer

Pervwars Jan 19th entry

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 18:26:57 GMT

Okay... Apple... here's what happened after our conversation ended. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! (done in paint... with a mouse... in under two minutes.) Here we have Plot Bunny Scar, and a look into his thought process.

(click me to see full size!)

When Boyfriends Are Stolen By Video Games...

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 02:48:12 GMT

As some of you may know, I have a wonderful on-line friend whom I refer to as Deadypoo, or Dead, or Deady, or sometimes Deady-kins. Deadypoo has a boyfriend, whom is a source of amusement for me when ever she tells me about something or other he's done. We had a conversation some time ago about his new "Hard-on", which was actually his PSP, and this is the result.

... Actually it's the rough draft with the lines darkened in fine-tipped marker. What? I couldn't find the good copy and I hadn't saved it to the computer yet.

(NOTE: Read left column before reading right column.)

THEY DON'T COME OFF! (and i don't really sound like that!)

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 03:20:11 GMT

I sound really crappy in this vid. No, seriously, my voice sounds far deeper than it really is. fushigirockna though, assures me, that I don't sound like that at all. I believe her completely because in the vid where she asks a fanfiction question (it's on her journal, check it out) she comes off fairly slurred, and hard to hear, but she really wasn't. It's surprising, because judging by the position this recording was taken from, we weren't that far away from the person who took it.

for the hell of it...

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 00:13:49 GMT

iyou_chan - 1/4 cup of friendliness - a dash of athleticism - 1 1/2 cups of cuteness Mix on high, and serve immediately.
'What is your personality recipe?' at QuizGalaxy.com

o.o? Okay... even the personality recipe thing seems to think my primary component is cuteness.

Fun With Plushies, Post-its & Other Such Things!

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 13:32:28 GMT

Oookay... allow me to give a brief explanation for this. A little while ago, hikaru_9 did a picture for me of a pairing that squicked her (well at least one half of it did). I didn't feel right with not thanking her in some way, but I'm also incredibly lazy; thus, Fun With Plushies (the "Meet Ed" version) was born.

The stuff in the brackets reads "From iyou_chan's twisted mind" (top), and "No Ed Plushies were harmed during the making of this strip- humiliated maybe, but not harmed" (bottom).

Enjoy!
~Jam

Crap vs Crack part II; The Worst Fan Fiction Ever! ... No, really.

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 04:04:12 GMT

In my previous Crap vs. Crack post I talked about the Prince of Tennis Live Action Movie, which I have stated is crack, not crap. And now, for this second installment, I would like to discuss the Wost Fan Fiction Ever (meaning it's total crap), which can be found HERE, and it's counterpart a hand drawn half-assed web comic by the same title (My Immortal) which can be found HERE.

The fan fiction, My Immortal, is riddled with poor grammar, unintelligible chat speak, and a plot so thin the air at the tip of Mount Everest would be jealous. The chapters are ridiculously short, the flow is non-existent, and the author notes all insist that she is "Goffik" even though she listens to Evanescence, Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, and Panic! At the Disco, shops at Hot Topic, and believes wearing all black, and having more than two piercings (one in each ear) makes you a Goth. She hates- rather blatantly, I might add- on anyone who points out her stories short comings, even if they do so nicely and offer suggestions on ways to improve, or anybody who asks if she hadn't meant the story to be a satire of bad Mary-Sue fics. The fic is so bad, it has it's own page on the encyclopedia dramatica, I'm not making this shit up! Google it, I swear it's true.

For a while (the first time I came across it way back in 2006), I was certain that the writer had simply categorized it wrong, placing it under Romance/Angst, when it should be under Parody, sadly... I was wrong. So very, very wrong. The person in question (xxxbloodyrists666xxx) seemed at first to be making fun of another writer on FF.Net by the name of bloodytearz666, but upon closer inspection, that isn't the case. The two seem to admire one another's work. Actually, as far as I know, they might even be the same person- I mean, I have two AFF accounts; one for crack, and one for more serious stuff- (On the bright side, she seems to have stopped updating... so no more poor innocents who stumble upon it will suffer from bleeding eyeballs).

Now, where the actual fanfic is utter crap (though I still say if it was under another category- read; PARODY-it would be amazingly cracktackular), the comic is pure crack.

It points out little things, like the uber emo-ness, and funny little quirks (like wearing high heels to bed) that make the story so bad (and, no, I don't mean bad in the outdated slang sort of way), while sticking to the original plot. The art is half-assed, as if you were looking at a series of doodles from someones sketchbook, but it's supposed to be that way in order to keep the crappy feel of the fanfic. It's actually pretty funny, if you're into cracktacular parodies.

Actually, the comic is the reason I'm writing this... go read it, comment, giggle, flame, do whatever it is you feel like doing. I merely wanted to share it with you.

Why, xxxbloodyrists666xxx, why couldn't have let me keep believing it was a brilliant work of satire!? Why?

Yeah, I know, don't make fun of the dyslexic people- it isn't cool. But, as I'm a diagnosed dyslexic too, and I have spent hours upon hours in special classes and with numerous tutors, and development specialists I think it gives me the right to at least say... the story isn't well thought out at all, even if there weren't so many errors in spelling and grammar.

Yes, I am dyslexic, it takes me longer than the average person to read something over, and I have to be really careful when I'm writing/typing something up. Over the years I've developed certain tricks to help me, like writing things down on a sheet of paper working from right to left instead of left to right, and then copying it out again going from left to right. Don't laugh; it works. I've trained myself so that I can catch most of my mistakes, and I have become best friends with the spell check function.

Just to be clear; I am not making fun of her disability, as I suffer the same one. I can ignore the spelling and grammar (if I must); it's the OOCness, the choppiness of the incredibly short chapters, and the lack of respect toward anyone who doesn't share her tastes in music and dress that I find crappy. Not to mention the shameless self-insertion, and blatant Mary-Sue-ism in a fic that is not of the comedy/parody persuasion. I mean, the creator of Devil's Panties is dyslexic too, and you don't see me hating on her stuff. Why? Because her stuff is actually good.

Ugh... that's enough from me for now...

~Jam

Meme!~ and an explanation to some of my more odd interests.

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 04:06:18 GMT

Meme: Comment on this post. I will choose seven interests from your profile and you will explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so that others can play along.

1. Moulin Rouge: One of my favorite movies ever! Nicole Kidman was wonderful in it, the costumes were brilliant, as was the music, and hey, it got my (now ex) boyfriend to actually sit down and watch a musical.

2. super-soaker Olympics: The Super-Soaker Olympics is a three day long event taking place on the Labor Day weekend. It is at this point that every person who lives with in a three house radius becomes armed with super soakers, water pistols, and wet sponges. We then spend from sun-up to sun-down having an H2O friendly version of a paintball game, where instead of paint we use liquid substances and see how many people we can eliminate. The one left standing at the end of the third day is the winner, and they get some sort of predetermined prize. This event came about 10 years ago, and I am a seven time winner (YAY ME!).

3. Magical hand-job fairies: Uh- this refers to a little muse that lives inside of my head and pops up every once in a while to insist upon my writing hand-job fics. This particular muse is responsible for any and all of my stories which involve masturbatory activities no matter how brief the mention of said activity. In short, they are magical beings that live in my subconscious and force me to write porn.

4. ‘Nique & Shnoogleberry: This is a comic; one that is being a real pain in the ass. It was posted (partially) at my old LJ, but that account has since been deleted and purged, and now I am starting from scratch. It's basically metaphorical crack that pokes fun of everything especially me.

5. Booboo fishy (:')) : Booboo Fishy is none other than... (oooh the suspense)

fushigirockna. She's a person, as well as an interest. Why am I so interested in her? Because she is made of win. I haven't known her very long... only a year and some odd months... but she's a good friend, and we can snort metaphorical crack together and not once feel stupid... well not too stupid. I've broken her, and killed her brain a few times, which sorta made me feel a little dumb, seeing as how I should really know better; she's a college student! She can't afford to lose anymore braincells.

6. shouting "deadypoo!" in public: Um- this is just something I do when I'm really, really, really bored and want to freak out the person or people physically closest to me. Or, you know, when I'm at the library using the internet connection there for some purpose or another and dead_uchiha shows up as online on my contacts list. ~~I love you Dead; I love you in a creepy way.~~

7. multi-functioning pillow cases: Woo-hoo! I love multi-functioning anything actually. But I tend to use pillowcases a lot! I use them to cover my pillows (duh), to wash my more delicate (heh-heh) things in, to tie things with (like wrists, ankles, that sort of thing), I use them to hold things (like books! much better and less likely to tear than the plastic bags they offer at the library), I've used them as a makeshift grocery bag before too, and once My friend's skirt ripped while we were at school, and I had a pillow with me (don't ask) so I took it off the pillow and fashioned a makeshift skirt for her so that we could get out of the classroom and to her house where she could change. Pillowcases have a wide variety of uses, don't you think?

So I took the Nerd test and...

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 09:52:56 GMT

Let's see what else it has to say about me...

Now, do you see the significance of my icon?

Rules of the road

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 23:12:21 GMT

Pedestrians have the right of way when at a crosswalk without a light. Drivers are supposed to stop and check oncoming traffic, and allow pedestrians to cross the street without hassle.

Pedestrians are not required to give hand signals before crossing the street. Why anyone would believe that they are is beyond my realm of comprehension. But, not even an hour ago I came across a driver who did believe just that.

I was crossing the street on my way home from buying some orange juice when I was nearly run over. I managed to get out of the way- just barely- and shouted out that it was a crosswalk. The driver stopped, put their gas guzzler of an SUV in reverse, and pulled up next to me only to glare and demand to know what I had just said.

I repeated myself, the driver glared some more, and then informed me that they had no idea I was going to cross the street as I hadn't given any sort of hand signal to indicate that I was going to turn left instead of just continuing on straight.

I was stopped at the crosswalk, checking the traffic and facing the direction I was going to be continuing on in! I had the right of way, the driver in question however didn't even stop at the intersection (another big no-no), and continued through without checking for pedestrians or other traffic.

The area in which this incident occurred happens to be sandwiched in between two schools, and is heavily populated by families with young children. The fact that this driver wasn't watching the roads for pedestrians, or toddlers on three-wheelers concerns me greatly.

Hand signal, my ass... Sure I have a hand signal for you you dense bitch *presents fist, and extends middle finger, while smiling sweetly*.

How the hell did this person get a license if she honestly believes pedestrians are required to signal their movements to drivers?

MPI, you have failed miserably in your duties of seeing that only people qualified to have a license are allowed access to one.

Defining English

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 19:30:32 GMT

Grammar: gram.mar [grammer] (noun)

1. Rules for language
The system of rules by which words are formed and put together to make sentences.

2. Particular set of language rules

The rules for speaking or writing a particular language, or a particular analysis of the rules of language (i.e. Spanish grammar, French grammar, Japanese grammar, case grammar).

3. Quality of language

The spoken or written form of language somebody uses, as related to accepted standards of correctness.

Grammar is the set of rules that defines the way our language is spoken/written. Different languages follow different rules. These rules are to be obeyed in almost every instance- there are however exceptions to the rule; poetry is again one of those exceptions. Correct grammar can go a long way when attempting to get across an idea through textual communication, or when wanting to portray that you are not a twelve year old with little to no language skills.

Syntax: syn.tax [sin taks] (noun)

1. Organization of words into sentences

The ordering of and relationship between the words and their structural elements in phrases and sentences.

2. Branch of grammar
The branch of grammar that studies syntax.

3. Rules of syntax
An exposition of or set of rules for producing grammatical structures according to the syntax of a language.

Syntax can be defined as any and all of the above. Syntax is the branch of grammar which tells us what phrases or words can be put together in which order so that a sentence will make logical/formulaic sense. The rules of syntax are to be followed except for in certain cases. When dealing with poetry, the laws of syntax do not always need to be adhered to, there are other examples as well, but I won’t be going into them as I do not wish to spend the rest of my day defending and proving my points. By in large the rules of syntax are to be followed, unless you want people to mistake you for a small child just learning the ABC’s.

Spelling: spell.ing (noun)

1. Ability to spell
the ability to spell words correctly

2. Forming words by ordering of letters
the forming of words with letters in a conventionally accepted order

Correct spelling is also important toward proving that you are in possession of adequate communication skills. There are cases when it is acceptable to use shorthand, such as when note taking. There will always be occasions when a word or two will be misspelled, and that isn’t too big of a problem. The problem lies in when one misspells every other word they write. There are cases in which the spelling of a word will vary. Americans and Canadians for example, will spell the exact same word differently, i.e.: color (American spelling) and colour (Canadian spelling), both spellings are technically correct.

If you are going to use textual communication it’s a good idea to employ the skills your teachers spent years drilling into your heads. By putting your knowledge into practice you are in effect standing up and saying I am NOT a dimwit; I can articulate my thoughts, and express my ideas to others in a way that doesn’t make those that read my entries, posts, etc. want to groan and kick me off of their internet.

Thank you for your time. Please use text responsibly.

~Jam’s alter ego; The Grammar-Nazi.

O.o ?!

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 06:50:32 GMT

See the little face up there that looks as if it's asking "WTF?!" that is what I looked like yesterday afternoon. I went to the library- I love libraries... and librarians (I used to be a clerk!)- because I wanted to check out a copy of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. I own a copy (actually I have a Lewis Carroll collection) but it's still packed away after my recent move, and rather than dig through a mountain of book boxes (the library is the only room I haven't unpacked yet) I thought it would be easier to just go check out a copy, while at the same time getting a new library card.

Sounds like a good idea right?

I thought so too.

When I got there, I couldn't find it. So, I asked if it had been checked out already, and do you know what I was told?

No? Let me tell you.

"We don't carry Lewis Carroll."

My first reaction was to pull a face similar to the one shown in the subject header and shout "The HELL!?" I restrained myself however, and instead calmly asked why.

This is what I was told; "He was a substance abuser- we do carry the Disney books though." (No idea if this was her reasoning or the head librarian's)

My response; "Uh-huh. That's great. But I don't want the Disney book," which is basically a thirty-some-odd page recap of Disney's Alice in Wonderland.

The library clerk then told me: "One of the other libraries might have it. You could try them."

Yeah... so in the end I didn't get the book. I refuse to wander around a city I am as yet unfamiliar with and quite probably become lost just so that I can find another library which may or may not have the book in question (I will be unpacking my book boxes tomorrow morning).

What the HELL is wrong with people! It's a book! Libraries are supposed to carry books, are they not?

This makes four libraries in the past four years that I have gone to only to find that they do not carry Lewis Carroll. Some of them, I could understand as the majority of their shelves were kept full via donations. But to say you don't carry CLASSIC LITERATURE because the author did this or that is EPICALLY STUPID! It's right up there with the banning of books like The Bermudez Triangle from school libraries, or worse book burning (Uh, okay, book burning may be worse than refusing to stock books by a certain author but still, book bans are idiotic on a massive scale)!

I'm so aggravated I want to gouge something... like that clerk's eyes maybe.

~Jam

PS. I would like to take this opportunity to point out once more the EPIC STUPIDITY of it all.

[he wasn't a "substance abuser" either]

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 07:48:54 GMT

Have you ever noticed that when you can't sleep at 2:30 AM, you tend to result to stalking the internet and taking all sorts of odd quiz things?

Apparently, I'm like Souseiseki... Interesting no?

"...kids who think it's cool not to vote discust me..."

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 00:30:08 GMT

The subject header for this post is thanks to fushigirockna, who rocks out loud. She said this in a comment, and I couldn't agree with her more. The youth culture of today needs to stand-up, be counted, and vote.

Not voting is not cool. It doesn't mean that you are in anyway more awesome than those of us who do take the time out to head to the polling stations during local, provincial, and federal elections and check the little box next to our party/candidate of choice. It just means that you don't care what happens to your country. And that, my friends is decidedly uncool.

By not voting you are basically giving up your right to have a say in the direction our country takes and the policies that are then pushed through or dropped. The odd thing is that many of the people who don't vote still think that they have a right to complain about the elected government.

If you are of legal age to vote but didn't, then you have no reason or right to bitch about elected officials and the way they are wielding their power during their term in office. This is because YOU DIDN'T VOTE! You had the opportunity to do so, and you squandered it, because you just didn't care.

It seems sort of ridiculous to care about the issues after the fact. Don't you think?

Of course, some people claim that they don't vote because they aren't aware of the various parties and their platforms, and do not feel as if they are well informed enough to make a proper decision.

Okay. Then allow me to help you out. Here is a list of links for registered political parties in Canada.

AAEVP (Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party of Canada)

Bloc Quebecois (I'm not a supporter, but there are those of you who might be so I'll put the link up anyway)

CAP or PAC (Canadian Action Party/ Parti Action Canada)

CHP (Christian Heritage Party)

Communist Party of Canada (I think the name is pretty self-explanatory)

Conservative Party (again rather straight forward name)

FPNP (First Peoples National Party of Canada)

GP or PV (Green Party of Canada/ Parti Vert du Canada)

Liberal Party (another straight forward name)

Libertarian (the Libertarian Party of Canada)

Radical Marijuana (Marijuana Party- They are NOT the same as the Green Party)

Marxist-Leninist (Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada)

NDP (New Democratic Party)

PC (Progressive Canadian Party)

WBP (Western Block Party- again, I'm not a supporter of their ideals, but I'll post the link anyhow)

All of the above are parties registered with Elections Canada. Now go get informed so that you'll at least have an inkling as to who you want to vote for in the next election.

~Jam

Environmental Issues

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 00:25:30 GMT

I've always been a bit of an eco-geek, and global warming, deforestation, and other environmental issues are a big deal for me. I don't use plastic bags when I go shopping- I bring my own cloth bags. I recycle everything that can be recycled, and compost organic materials. I'm also in the middle of preparing a space (a very large space) in my back yard for what will be a vegetable and herb garden.

Why you may ask?

Three reasons:

1) Organic home grown veggies are the yum!
2) Grass needs watering. Watering your grass only increases the world water shortage. If I'm going to use water anyway, it should be for something I actually need i.e. food.
3) It will save on time and money at the supermarket.

I may not look like the typical environmentalist... actually I look fairly unremarkable for the most part, so it may even surprise some of my friends to learn that I am now, and have always been, environmentally conscious, or that I have any interests- other than being as unnoticable as possible- at all. I was told by one of my best friends that if they hadn't known me forever they wouldn't have known I was "big into saving the world". I was a little surprised by that.

I've always used energy efficient products such as lighting and appliances (even my computer) I don't turn on the lights unless it's night and I need to see in order to make my way to the bathroom without falling down the stairs or something, and I don't take baths (I shower, in 5-10 minutes) because baths take up more water than necessary.

When I was four years old I stopped a mother (that's what I'm told, all I recall is the fact that it was an adult female) in the local Overweightea and lectured her about the many evils of Styrofoam, then I proceeded to followed her about the aisle until she put the offending items back on the shelves and left with the recyclable kind. I think that moment in time should serve as undeniable proof of my deep-seeded love of the planet, and keeping it healthy and habitable.

When I vote in elections my priorities are thus:
1. Environmental issues and where the candidates and their parties stand on said issues
2. Education " "
3. Health-care " "
4. International/foreign policies and trade
5. Criminal policy
6. Everything else

I don't understand how someone could justify voting for a person or party that would rather line their pockets than take a minute to at least attempt to make the world we live in a healthier, greener place. We all have to live here, so why destroy the place?

Companies and manufactures such as Toshiba are even going Green. Hell we have a whole day dedicated to the continued health of Earth; it's called Earth Day, and I'm certain you've heard of it... unless you were born in a cave, under a rock, on a deserted island somewhere in the south pacific, and have lived there your whole life without any contact from the outside world. But, as you are reading this, that shouldn't be the case.

There are also things like the Turn It Off Challenge, and other such campaigns all dedicated to getting people to reduce their greenhouse gas emissions, etc. I, myself, choose one day a month during which I use absolutely no power whatsoever. This means no computer, TV, lights, stereo, iPod, microwaves, ovens, stoves, I even make sure my fridge is empty, turn it off, and then eat nothing but raw fruit, veggies and the occasional bit of sashimi for the entire day.

Most people aren't willing to go that far. Some people think I should take it further. I think one day a month is pretty good. If every person on the planet chose one day every month to power down completely it would make a world of difference.

I could keep talking about this forever, but I doubt it would get the point across any better, so allow me to stop ranting and recap.

Environmental issues are important to me, and they always have been. I think they should be more prevalent in the minds of the global community as a whole; awareness of issues such as global warming needs to be spread, and people, not just individuals, need to start doing something about the issues. It's useless to just complain about it, get up and DO something! Protest, rally, lobby, plan an event; I don't care how you do it, just do it (I've done my share of a lot of these things)!

~Jam

Edit: I just looked at fushigirockna's page, and you know what?... She's got eggs too! LOL.

I seem to be the only one in the whole wide world...

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 10:16:18 GMT

As the subject header for this entry states; I seem to be the only one in the whole wide world. That is a rather broad statement, however, and I feel the need to explain myself. It should read, I seem to be the only Nedric shipper in the whole wide world.

Now that we've taken care of explaining what the hell the subject meant, I feel that I should move into the actual subject matter.

I am not the only Nedric supporter in the world. I know I'm not. There are other Nedric fics out there, and fan art too. Granted my stuff seems to be the earliest dated pieces floating about the fandom, but that's fine, because the pairing of Neville and Cedric was something that spawned from my brain one evening, and as such is purely of my own imagination. There are no hints of Nedric (or Ceville) in any of the books- none that I've ever found at any rate- making the pairing fall under the heading of fanon.

Sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one out there. If I mention Nedric, I am often asked to explain what it is, and after doing so, I am the recipient of several odd stares. But, I know other people have heard of the pairing; there's even an LJ community dedicated to the pairing- nedric_love

I, however, seem to be the only active member. The mod's haven't even popped in to say hello this year.

Normally this wouldn't bother me. But, Nedric (or Ceville) is like my baby. My very own precious baby, and I think it is worthy of far more attention than it seems to be getting. I do understand that it is a difficult pairing to write for, but I seem to be doing okay (and I'm keeping things about 90% canon), so it can be done.

Maybe I should put out a challenge/request...

It might work, you never know. It could be the perfect thing to spark interest in my favorite fanon couple. For now though I'll continue to sulk, and pack, and prepare to say good-bye to my internet connection as of noon today.

Hope I didn't hurt your eyes with my ranting.

Hugs and Oreos!
Me!

Moving fiction II

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 11:41:55 GMT

Warning: see previous post.

Disclaimer: Still don't own Naruto.

Summary: More randomness than you can shake a stick at.

Rating: PG-13

From the Floppy Called Subversive

Chapter 1: In which Tsunade calls in reinforcements and bad-guy 354 appears

Enough was enough. It had been two months since the appearance of Mary-Sue in the Narutoverse, and she was driving Tsunade mad! Since the girl had shown up there had been nothing but disruption after disruption to the storyline. Naruto and Sasuke were nowhere near where they were supposed to be relationship wise, as a result the Kaka/Iru and several other deliciously slashy story arcs were at a stalemate. Something simply had to be done, and the quirky fifth Hokage had a plan.

The blonde woman looked at an equally blonde cat-girl who had been ‘escorted’ to her office by a team of Anbu; that is to say the girl had been asleep in her bed dreaming of catnip, and other such good things, when she had found herself being extracted forcibly from her home. Several claw marks decorated the arms- and probably other places- of the elite leaf shin obi. Tsunade made a mental note to make sure that ointment was applied to the shallow wounds immediately. Cat scratches hurt like a dickens if she remembered correctly.

“I thought you were supposed to be related,” The Hokage was clearly puzzled, “but you’re a neko!”

The pretty blonde kitty cocked her head to the side in a very feline gesture and quirked a brow in thought for a moment. “I never actually understood that bit either,” she shrugged, “you’d have to ask the author how exactly that works.” Both women paused and looked expectantly in the direction of the over tired typist, who simply shrugged her response and went back to chugging coffee, and chomping on Oreos while typing out the rest of the scene.

Finding that the author of this sad excuse of a fic was utterly useless the two continued their exchange. Which is to say that Tsunade talked, explaining the situation while the cat-girl listened and nodded occasionally, every so often adding a quiet, “Hmm,” or an “I see,” at the appropriate intervals. In the end it was decided that Mary-Sue must be stopped, and that Jamesie the cat-girl was just the neko for the job. After all she knew the dark haired whirlwind of an OC better than anyone.

So as Jamesie went forth to seek and capture her trouble causing older sister, Tsunade-sama got back to her regularly scheduled, griping, gambling, drinking, and hitting of things and people with a renewed zeal.

From what Jamesie had gathered, Mary-Sue was currently throwing herself at Hyuuga Neji, genius of the branch house of the well-known Hyuuga clan, of which his uncle was head, and his little cousin was heiress. According to the book of laws of the fan-fiction universe, Neji-san was either supposed to find love with a teammate, another flawed genius, a loud mouth blond boy, or his gentle cousin. And upon further examination of this particular dimension of the Narutoverse, it appeared Hyuuga-cest was the order of the day. Somehow Jamesie had to get the stuttering, shy, soft, Hyuuga Hinata, and the distant, resigned, bitter Hyuuga Neji back on track, so that the various Neji/Hina writers in this particular fandom, could continue on with their smut, fluff, or even angst filled fic’s.

‘Okay, first mission: Operation; Save Neji!’ she thought to herself with a certain level of sarcasm reserved only for those with extraordinarily bizarre senses of humor. On her face she wore an expression that would have looked right at home on the face of one Nara Shikamaru, which only served as a foil for her inner thoughts, which were much more animated, and exciting.

In order to rescue Neji from a Mary-Sue type fate the cat-girl had to first do some research. Firstly, she would have to find out what back-story she had used. That had been exceedingly easy to do. She had simply asked the man at the BBQ place Chouji and his teammates frequented and he had told her everything he knew. As her current mess-up-the-fandom mission seemed to be centered on Neji, she had fashioned herself as a young girl named Uchiha Mary-Sue; a half Uchiha, born out of wedlock, and cousin to the Uchiha survivor, Sasuke. How she had managed to get anyone to believe that cock-and-bull story, Jamesie had no clue, but they apparently had believed it and there in lay the problem. As an Uchiha, the girl was acceptable for a branch house member to wed.

Groaning inwardly the blond recalled the rest of the story. The man had explained that because she was an Uchiha a series of evildoers had been attempting to kidnap her for their own nefarious purposes. And, according to the grapevine, these men seemed to show up like clockwork every Wednesday at precisely nine am, four pm, and eleven thirty-four pm. It was currently eleven thirty-two pm. Jamesie had exactly two minutes to find her wayward sibling and restore the brooding Hyuuga to his gentle cousin, and incestuous love interest, Hinata. Knowing the back-story her sister was currently using, as well as her general knowledge of her sister, it only took Jamesie one minute and fifty-seven seconds to find her.

She was in the woods slung over the shoulder of a standard looking bad guy, who was in fact so generic that he didn’t even possess a real name. He was called simply, Bad-Guy 354. Apparently bad-guy’s 1-353 had already attempted and failed to capture Mary-Sue, as a result of Neji always showing up inexplicably in the nick of time to rescue his stalker/ intended bride.

Once again Jamesie was forced to imagine what kind of mind jutsu Mary-Sue had worked upon the inhabitants of the fandom in order to swing that one. She shook her head clear of such thoughts when it became evident that all she would receive for her contemplation was a migraine the size of Hatake Kakashi’s porn collection. Once more she returned her full attention to the situation at hand, and managed to retrieve her misbehaving sibling from said bad-guy in the record time of three minutes flat.

Getting Mary-Sue back had been decidedly simple. All she had done was used logic to reason with the man, in the end she had convinced him that Mary-Sue was not an Uchiha, nor was she the intended of Hyuuga Neji, and that kidnapping her whether it be for the mirror wheel eyes, or a hefty ransom from the Hyuuga she intended to marry, was a complete and utter waste of time, and energy, especially when he could be out kidnapping somebody who was actually important. She may have even dropped Hyuuga Hinata’s name whilst lecturing the confused would-be kidnapper. Ah the wonders of logic. The Vulcan’s really had something there- wait, that’s Star-Trek, a completely different fandom!

By the time Neji arrived to rescue the kidnapped girl, Jamesie had dragged Mary-Sue out of the general vicinity, so what he actually found was Bad-guy 354 kidnapping his still struggling cousin; whom said bad-guy had decided would be a much better victim. Neji was victorious, as if there were any doubts he would be otherwise, and in his arms as he headed back home was a weakened, yet grateful Hinata.

Somewhere off in the distance there was a noise that sounded remarkably like a ‘click!’ and everything seemed right once again. Somewhere even further off in the distance Jamesie was explaining in graphic detail the many punishments Mary-Sue would undergo once she was safely back home and locked away in their creators mind, while Mary-Sue was whining, and attempting to escape from the painful grip that her feline sibling had on her right ear. Somewhere else the fifth Hokage sighed contented in the knowledge that the Mary-Sue type threat to her village had been stopped, even if she knew that the peace wouldn’t be permanent.

End Of Chapter One!

Moving fiction

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 11:38:05 GMT

Warning: this story is more than just a bit AU and it’s pretty much just a melting pot of randomness that refused to let me be until it was set to the page (erm- screen). Don’t read if you’re allergic to all things stupid. Even the title’s dumb.

A/N: I moved this here from my FF.net account because some people were complaining about page loading issues at that site. I aim to please, so here it is.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any characters, trademarks, etc. that you, the reader, may recognize. With that said, you cannot sue me… I don’t think… GAH! Too much legal stuff!

Summary: More randomness than you can shake a stick at. Plotting Mary-sues, mentions of yaoi, yuri, and a whole lot of ooc-ness and crack!

Rated: PG-13 though most of it's pretty PG.

Prologue: And Let The Randomness Begin!

Somewhere deep- very deep- in the recesses of Smurf’s mind there lives a small collective of imaginary muses, deities, friends and other such characters. Usually these muses co-exist, in a utopian-like state, only bothering her with ideas on occasion, resulting in really awesome sketches, paintings, photos, clothes (this girl makes kick-ass Halloween costumes) and even a few children’s stories (Eric’s bratty twin cousins practically beg to hear her bedtime stories, how else do you think we get them into bed?). However, every once in a while these muses become restless and they band together against Smurf causing her much mental anguish, and forcing her to suffer from imagination over-load, effectively turning her brain into mush, and not doing very much to help her already questionable state of mental health. This fic is the result of one such time.

Hello, I’m Smurf (the e-mail address behind the serialhugger collective), and as the previous paragraph has explained, my mind’s creative muses have conspired against me. I haven’t slept well in weeks now, as they’ve been assaulting me constantly with ideas, which refuse to leave my brain. Please forgive me for this piece of patched together randomness. Or, that’s what she would say if she were the one typing out the intro. Then she would probably get in to a conversation with Kankuro (we don’t understand why she likes the dude, but he’s one of her favorite characters so we’ve learned to deal with it), hand out some Oreos, and then do or say something completely random.

And so the story begins…

In the village of Konohagakure there lived many people, there were the various ninjas, the regular civilians, and then there were those characters that had been inserted by numerous fan fiction authors in order to create their even more numerous brainchildren. Needless to say the place was never short on excitement, fluffiness, or any other type of situation the human mind could conceive of. And that suits this story just fine.

Murimatsu Anika had just sold a rather quaint looking house not too far from the ninja academy to a nice young lady. The house was- oddly enough- located so that it was equidistant from everything in the village, which was really quite amazing, as it put it right smack dab in the center of Konoha. Not even the author knows how that happened, and chooses to chalk it up to one of those strange things that could only happen in a fan-fiction universe. The house was moved into the same day it was sold, as the girl’s family was dispersed upon various other fandoms, she would be alone. Kimiko, Shoko, and Amaya, the three eldest sisters, were currently off on their own in the Inuyasha fandom, killing people off for no real reason other than the person who wrote that particular story was very bored at the time of its conception. Which left Umeko, to bother the Sand siblings in a different area of the Naruto-verse, and Mary-Sue to terrorize the village of Konoha, The only other sibling, one Jamesie the cat-girl, along with their mother, Sugar-rush, and their father, Insomnia had yet to attach them selves to any sort of fan fiction.

Mary-Sue’s arrival in the Naruto-verse was treated much the same as any other author inserted character, she was met with a lot of, “Hey I’ve never seen you around before, you must be new here,” type comments, but accepted as a valid participant to the upcoming plot line of some story currently being written by some author out there in the 3-D universe. The innocent inhabitants of the village had no idea that this particular fan creation was acting on her own volition, while her creator was battling futilely against the muses in her head for control of her thought process. As Mary-Sue explored the village, just happening to innocently bump in to every important and some not-so-important character she could manage to stumble across before calling it a day to head back to her newly acquired home and waited for the next day when the fun would begin.

Odd Happenings

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 07:38:32 GMT

A bit of weirdness occurred earlier today, a public entry in my journal, that was crossposted to envy_lightbulb appeared to them as being f-locked. The entry wasn't f-locked on my journal though, so I have no idea how the hell that happened... At least it was posted as a public entry originally.

Just to be on the safe side, I went through all of my previous posts, and loe and behold, the same thing had happened to another of my entries. It is possible, nay, probable, that my brother got on the computer when I went to sign for a package at the front door and messed with my settings to piss me off, as I had my journal open at that time.

Will get him back later... Most probably with a bottle of nair.

I hate it when he comes to visit. He makes my life HELL!

FMA CRACK FICTION~ TRF

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 03:31:12 GMT

This is a bit of stupidity brought on by a comment from FR. The fic is directly inspired by a meme, and as such should not be taken seriously at all. There is in fact another story with the same basic plot involving different characters, inspired by the same meme, however it wont be the same story, and was written so that I don't get out of practice writing crack fiction. After all, crack fics are what I'm known for.

The Title: The Rotting Flame

The Author: Me, obviously.

The Dedication:

The Warnings: Crack, het, yaoi, mentions of shoujo-ai & yuri, much stupidity, near total lack of anything cannon (this chapter is work/school-safe).

The Pairings: RoyDante, DanteWinry, RoySciezka, HoenheimRoy, RoySloth, and probable mentions of others.

The Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, I just like to treat the characters as my playthings.

The Rotting Flame: Prologue; A Happy Relationship?

The fact that Roy Mustang was watching the clock wasn’t unusual. He tended to do that rather often; it was one of his many irresponsible work habits, such as procrastinating, and ranting about his dream of a miniskirt friendly military. What was odd though, was the frequency at which he was checking the time. This though, was just as easily explained, even if not so ordinary.

Some several months ago, Roy, skirt chaser extraordinaire, and general man-whore, had finally taken to heart the advice of his friend Maes Hughes, and settled into a relationship. Since then, Roy had been leaving the office at exactly six o’clock every day. Uncaring as to whether all of his paperwork was done or not; a habit that caused Riza Hawkeye’s trigger finger to itch on more than one occasion. Today he was simply more eager for quitting time to come around. It was, after all the couple’s five month anniversary.

Riza’s eyebrow twitched as she watched Roy shuffle a stack of papers he was supposed to be reading before either giving a stamp of approval or denying the requests. She made a move to draw her sidearm, however was interrupted when little Kain Fuery popped his head inside the office bearing two mugs of steaming coffee.

Using Roy for target practice could wait. Coffee, especially when it was made by Fuery, could not.

“Colonel Mustang, sir?” Fuery’s voice broke him from his vigil over the hands on his wall clock. “Your coffee, sir.” The dark haired sergeant-major held out a white mug patiently waiting for his superior officer to take it.

“Ah, thank you Fuery; that will be all.” With that, the bespectacled officer shuffled out of the room, closing the door behind him, and Roy returned to watching the clock, ignoring paperwork, and now, an added third distraction, sipping his coffee. It was better than the coffee Dante made. She always added too much sugar, but oddly he didn’t mind, just like he didn’t mind the million other things about her that would normally put him off. The way she called him Mustang, instead of Roy for example, or the way she didn’t like to engage in PDA, even if it was something as innocent as holding hands. Though that could be because she knew nothing ever stayed innocent for very long where Roy was concerned.

It had to be love; there was just no other explanation as to why he would stay in a relationship for any extended period of time if it wasn’t. The sex wasn’t that fantastic after all. It was good, there was no doubt about that, but there were those patches on her body, sensitive, and painful when touched, making love to someone, and not being able to touch them everywhere was rather frustrating at times.

Little did Roy know that the only reason he was currently in said happy relationship was the fact that a certain fanfic author had decided to pen a very late birthday present for a adorable little friend of hers. But, as he, like the other characters in the fandom, was unaware of this fact, he continued to watch the hour hand as it circled the clock, counting down the minutes until he could see Dante again.

fushigirockna

25 questions about FMA

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 21:14:16 GMT

Number your favorite FMA characters from 1 to 12 and then answer the questions. Order is not important.

1. Al Elric
2. Jean Havoc
3. Maes Hughes
4. Winry Rockbell
5. Roy Mustang
6. Ed Elric
7. Envy
8. Riza Hawkeye
9. Lust
10. Wrath
11. Armstrong
12. Gluttony

1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fic? Do you want to?

No, I haven't. And YES YES YES! OH GODS YES! I do! The sheer crack factor would have me rotflmao!

2. Do you think Four is hot?

Winry, hot? I think she's cute. I don't know about hot, but she's good looking.

3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?

My brain would implode, and there would be a cry of "WHY, GOD, WHY!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" heard the world over, as every other fan in the world's brains also imploded.

4. Can you recall any fic(s) about Nine?

There are a few well written Lust fics out there, not as many as there should be... but they are out there.

5. Would Two and Six make a good couple?

I read this one fic, and it was cute, and well written, and I can't find it any more, but it was Hav/Ed, and they did make a cute pair in that particular fic. Even though Ed had to cheat on Havoc with Mustang before he realized just how much he loved the big blonde chain-smoker, and had to travel all the way to another country to find and win him back.

If any of you know where I can find this story again... please tell me! *insert puppy dog pout*

6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why?
Oh god... do I have to answer this? I have an answer for both! I ship neither pair, though Five/Nine would make more sense, as Roy is a skirt chaser, however he is also a ukewhore! (Just ask fushigirockna), and Wrath is a very cute kid, so something PWP-ish might happen between them in some author's twisted imagination.

7. What would happen if Seven walked in on One and Twelve having sex?

If Seven (in this case Envy) walked in on One (Al) and Twelve (Gluttony) having sex, I don't even think I can begin to comprehend his reaction. Because for the majority of the series, Al is a soul attached to a suit of armour, and Gluttony only knows him as such. Unless Al has some sort of special add-on for his armour, I don't think there would be much sex going on.

Still, if it were possible, I think Envy would get a sort of disgusted look on his face, and either faint, or freak out. Technically speaking, Al is his baby brother, so he may even get all protective before finally working through his shocked stupor enough to realize that hey, he really doesn't like the Elric brothers that much anyway. There is also the possibility that Envy would either join in, or call dibs on Al for the next round. If he wanted to be a real bastard, he could even wait until he and Ed were battling it out to let the information that Al was screwing Gluttony slip, thus rendering Ed stupefied for a matter of seconds, before flying into a full-out full-metal rage.

So many possibilities! All of them cracktacular!

LOL. Just the logistics of that particular pairing melt my brain!

8. Make up a summary for a Three/Ten fic.

Wrath always wanted a daddy, Envy could become the perfect one. A Hughes!Envy/Wrath father/son-ship.

9. Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff?

Yes there is, I've read it. Usually its Hawkeye being all maternal over Al once he gets his body back though.

10. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic.

Comfort Food Cravings (Ahem! My explanation is this... Comfort- the theme of the fic. Food- Gluttony is always freaking hungry! Craving- desire is a synonym of envy, and craving is a synonym for desire.)

11. What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to deflower Two?
If I wanted Winry to deflower Havoc?! Um I don't think there would be much plot involved... but maybe Winry is lonely, and Jean is mourning his inability to get passed a second date and therefore lose his virginity, and somehow they stumble across one another, and Winry winds up getting him into bed with her... maybe?

12. And if you wanted Six to deflower Five?

If I wanted Six (Ed) to deflower Five (Roy) there are a whole shitload of options available. Though the classic throw Roy down on the desk and let Ed have his way with him option works for me.

13. Does anyone on your friends list read Three het?

Yuppers!

14. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven?

Sadly no, I do though. Yay, me!

15. Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five?

Would any of them write, Jean/Winry/Roy? I don't know... maybe if I begged hard and long enough and bribed them with Hughes/Mustang or MustHav chibi porn.

16. What might Ten scream at a moment of great passion?

I think it would probably just be a primal scream.

17. If you wrote a song-fic about Eight, which song would you choose?
A song fic about Riza? Hmmmm... *ponders*...

雨の日はノー･サンキュー (Ame no Hi wa Nō Sankyū', A Rainy Day No Thank You'), because it's her song anyways, and I'm unoriginal like that. LOL.

18. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warnings be?
WARNING: This fic will melt your brain! Elricest, and Gluttony ahead!

19. What might be a good pick-up line for Eleven to use on Two?
This question is the best question in the whole universe!

I have no idea what Armstrong would say exactly, but it would probably be something sentimental, and he would be shirtless and sparkling while saying it.

Hell being shirtless while sparkling should count as a pick-up technique, DAMN IT!! Look at all those shoujo and yaoi mangas! The love interest is ALWAYS sparkling or shirtless or BOTH! So shirtless, sparkling Armstrong is soooo a pick-up technique! And it's probably been in the Armstrong family for generations! SO THERE! xp

20. When was the last time you read a fic about Five?

Yesterday.

21. What is Six's super-secret kink?

Ummmm... *ponders* there are so many to choose from! He's got a little brother fixation, and you know he uses alchemy in bed (probably for some light to moderate bondage).

22. Would Eleven shag Nine? Drunk or sober?

Well if he were drunk, yes. He might, though he'd probably feel really bad about it in the morning. If he were sober, no. He's too respectable for that. He'd want a relationship first. *nods* He's a very sentimental person, he just doesn't sleep with people he isn't dating.

23. If Three and Seven get together, who tops?

Who does Envy look like at the time? LOL.

Um, Hughes probably would win top, unless, Envy decided to get kinky, and transform into Hughes, so that Hughes was both top and bottom.

Oh the mental image! Yay!

24. "1 and 7 are in a happy relationship until 7 suddenly runs off with 4. 1, broken-hearted, has a hot one-night stand with 11 and a brief unhappy affair with 12, then follows the wise advice of 5 and finds true love with 3." What title would you give this fic? Name three people who might read it. Name one person who should write it.

(the characters in this case would be 1-Al, 7-Envy, 4-Winry, 11-Armstrong, 12-Gluttony, 5-Roy, and 3-Hughes)

Title: Crack-soup: FMA Style

Three people who might read it: Me, if I was feeling the need for something crackilicious, FR if I made her (then I would get smacked upside the head), and probably QSB (again, if I told her to, thus earning me another slap upside the head.)

One person who should write it: Nobody as I would DIE!

25. How would you feel if Seven/Eight was canon?

INCENSED! I would feel so very, very wronged! Riza and Envy do not go together! It's wrong on so many, many levels! Envy needs to lord his palm tree haired seme-ness over Roy, and be uke to almost every other male in the series, with the possible exception of Al and Ed whom he could also lord his seme-ness over!

I had so much fun with this! YAY!

Colour Bars... for my PoT guilty pleasure pairing

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 05:24:20 GMT

Yes... Mizuki/Kirihara is a guilty pleasure of mine. Their love is both Narcissistic and wicked! And there isn't enough of it out there.

If you're gonna take 'em that's fine, just comment so I know where they're going.

Hugs and Oreos!

Of Committment and Indulgence

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 18:22:22 GMT

Fan fiction~ Drabble

Of Committment and Indulgence

Author: Me

Pairing: Tango Pair (Sanada/Atobe)

Rating: (G)

Disclaimer: I do not own PoT or any of the characters, trademarks, copyrights or characters thereof.

Notes: This is just a short drabble that was written for Janey, who can’t get enough of these two. I apologize now for my lameness, I really can’t write either character very well, and writing about them together is even harder. But I did try my hardest, so any criticisms and comments are more than welcome.

Of Committment And Indulgence

Sanada never did anything unless he was serious about it. He wasn’t the type to have meaningless affairs or one night stands. He was the sort of person that committed to his decisions whether it was which clubs he joined or who he dated. That was just how he was.

Atobe was constantly doing frivolous things. He was indulgent, and hedonistic (nearly to a fault). He had no qualms in dating more than one person at any given time, and had no issues with the gender of said persons either. That was just how he was.

It should have been obvious from the start that they were too different, that it wouldn’t work out. But, Sanada had made a decision, and Atobe wanted to indulge.

When Sanada made a decision he committed to it, and when Atobe indulged it was to the fullest. That was just how they were.

Okay! You can make with the throwing of rotten fruit (yes that includes tomatoes) now.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 06:55:16 GMT

Tonight, I was on the receiving end of a rather scary phone call. Scary, in the sense that my heart dropped to somewhere around my ankles and I forgot how to breathe for a good half a minute while the voice on the other end relayed a teary, panicked message. No, I am not being over dramatic, I really was that affected by the call.

It seems that one of my older brothers (Jeremy, the red headed one) went and did something monumentally stupid! He and his friends got drunk and decided to play around with firearms. Of course they were merely pellet guns, but still, a firearm is a firearm, and one should never handle one while under the influence of alcohol or any other mind altering substances.

The fact that he did so, even knowing the dangers, especially since growing up on a rifle/pistol range as children all of us were required to take firearm safety courses, is the only reason I don't feel too guilty about being angry at him.

Yes. I am angry! It was an idiotic thing for him to do, and he should have known better!

I'm also scared shittless, as I don't know much beyond the fact that he will more than likely lose his eye, and they have managed to stabilize him for the time being.

The pellet has managed to lodge itself in the eye socket, and is pressing on what is left of the retina and the optic nerve. The doctors don't know the full extent of the damage, as there is too much blood and swelling to really tell anything other than the fact that it's a big, bloody, irreparable mess.

There are also other complications, like the fact that his heart stopped not once, but twice! That's right, his heart STOPPED! That particular complication had nothing to do with his injury however. No, the fact that his heart stopped beating two times is the fault of the hospital where he is currently being treated. They accidentally overdosed him! How the fuck can these people call themselves professionals, when they can't even remember how to administer local anesthetics!?! They didn't even know what was causing it until a fucking nurse, someone not trained in that area, pointed out that they were the ones killing him by pumping him way too full of the stuff!

Still, the only thing I can think is, at least I still have a brother.

He's annoying, he never calls, he always forgets my birthday, and emails from him are few and far between, but he's still my brother, and I love him. I'd be a complete mess if he had died, which at this point, may still be a possibility if they can't manage to keep him in stable condition.

To all those fucktards out there who think that they're invincible, bulletproof, or whatever else the egotistical human mind might set itself out to believe; YOU ARE NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS! You are NOT invincible. You are NOT bulletproof. You are NOT immortal!

Firearms and Alcohol DO NOT mix. And you should never ever put your little sisters through the type of torment I'm undergoing right now! It's hellish knowing that your big brother, the one who offered to beat up your ex-boyfriend when he broke your heart, and actually did beat the hell out of the guy that cracked your ribs in Jr. High, is lying in a hospital bed somewhere a whole province away from you, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Little sisters may not act like it sometimes... but we do really love our brothers, even when they're complete morons.

Iyou_chan

Mizuki is the devil?!?

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 10:11:01 GMT

Random Mizuki icon. This one was gifted to me by a friend of mine who doesn't use LJ. She knows of my deep seeded love of PoT though, and made this to cheer me up. I think it's rater cute for taking her all of 5 seconds with a screen-shot and MS-paint.

She never said she was going to put much effort into cheering me up about moving. But, at least she tried.

Santa-Sannin Confusion

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 23:23:05 GMT

How do you explain to a 22 month old child that Naruto's Jiraiya is not Santa Claus?

You can attempt to correct them gently, saying; "No, sweetie, that's not Santa, that's a cartoon." But in the end, the child will look at you, look at the cartoon, and declare, "Santa!"

You can attempt to explain the difference to said child like so; "No, honey, that isn't Santa. Santa is a man who gives Christmas presents to boys and girls the world over. That man, is Jiraiya; he's a pervert." In the end, the child will look at you, look at the character on the TV screen, and say; "It's Santa!"

You can try to explain even further, saying, "No, love, that isn't Santa. Santa has a beard. Jiraiya doesn't have one, so he can't be Santa."

Then the child will look at you and proceed to point out the similarities. "White," the child will say in reference to Jiraiya's hair. "Red," they will say and rush to the screen in order to point to the clothing on said anime character. "Santa," the child will then declare firmly and happily.

Then, you will find yourself staring at the small child, whether it's in surprise at their logic, or simply because you realize you are no closer to explaining that Jiraiya is not Santa Claus than you were when the conversation began. By this time, if the word Sannin is uttered by one of the animated characters rushing about on screen, the child will smile in triumph and exclaim gleefully, "Santa!"

It is at this point that you will find yourself laughing gently and shaking your head, while coming to the realization that there is absolutly nothing you can do or say to disuade the child in their beliefs that Jiraiya the Sannin is in fact Santa Claus. You may even question why you bothered trying to explain the difference in the first place.

So how to you explain to a 22 month old child that Naruto's Jiraiya isn't Santa Claus?

I have no idea whatsoever.

Hugs and Oreos!
Iyou